Thursday, April 25, 2019

Bugsy Is Gone

💔It is done. Bugsy is gone. I am devastated and feel I may never smile again. The sun is shining, yet all I feel is sad. Sad sad sad sad sad. Goodbye my love. Rest In Peace Bugsy Herrell Richland. August 2004-April 2019.💔
Bugsy and Olivia, April 16, 2019
I wrote this on Twitter and Facebook nine days ago. And still, my heart is torn to pieces. I'm sorry I'm just now telling you, dear Rebels. I tried. I did. But it's been too painful.

And still is.

I gave myself five days to grieve. To bawl. To sigh. To keen.

And keen, I have. If you don't know what that is, I looked it up for you at

verb (used without object)

verb (used with object)


Bugsy and Olivia, Last Day Together
Keening is wailing. Out loud. Not what one expects in today's society. We get uncomfortable around keeners. But the truth is, it's the most natural and normal expression of deep pain or grief.

This past Monday morning, Day 6, I opened Awen Rising's manuscript and got more of my editor's revisions done. Tuesday morning, a few more. Both afternoons at the day-job were difficult. Damn near impossible. But I made it. Yesterday, I had work in the morning, and I'm happy to share that after throwing myself on Jehovah God's mercy, it was a little easier to breathe and smile.

This morning, I started on Awen Rising and had to stop. Seems after several days of telling myself that I'm okay, I'm not. I fell apart. The sorrow bubbled forth and I cried and cried.

I miss Bugsy. I miss my friend. My companion. My love.

I am bereft, empty. And my world is atilt.

My Companion, My Heart
Now, Awen Rising sits with its editor-edits nearly done. I've just GOT to squeeze through this grief long enough to finish. Then it goes back to Charlie for her next round of magic. Since I'm in Continuing Ed classes (for my day-job) all weekend, that leaves today or tomorrow. And if I can't make that, it won't be until next week.

Pray for me, rebels. I need your help to get this done.

And to get through the depths of this sorrow.

That Rebel, Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré

O.J. Barré is the author of the upcoming Awen trilogy, a druid sci-fi fantasy set in 2042 in Atlanta, Georgia. Steeped in current, ancient, and future history twists, Book One, Awen Rising, is scheduled to debut August 1, 2019, in both ebook and paperback. Book Two, Awen Storm, is slated for 2020. And Book Three, Awen Tide, arrives in 2021.

1 comment:

Deb said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It hurts me to read of it. There's no way to dispel the grief. Our cats sink their claws into our hearts and rip them savagely when they go. The rip scars over in time, like wounds do, but they still ache when a storm blows through. But if my heart can be so broken by the loss of a cat, it makes me wonder how women who lose a child, or children, to famine, filthy water and the violence of war cope? My God, pray to soften my heart to the mothers of this world, even as I still sometimes shed tears over cats we lost almost 50 years ago.

Sending hugs and prayers of comfort,
Deb - from Canada

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