Thursday, May 6, 2010

Bad Girl Blogfest

Once again, I've agonized about turning another piece of my baby loose for public inspection. This time, the venue is the Bad Girl Blogfest hosted by Andrew Rosenberg over at The WriteRunner. I have decided what the hay. This excerpt is taken from a women's fiction novel I'm currently working on. Mine seems tame after reading some of the other submissions, but, good, bad or indifferent, here she is.
It was dark when she reached Manuel’s, a juke joint blues club in Santa Monica. There were other places J.C. might go, but Manuel’s was a pretty safe bet. J.C. was a regular on stage and he liked the adulation the crowd there showered on him. Especially the skanks. He never could get over his liking for strange.

It was her misfortune that Sammy couldn’t get over her liking for J.C. Maybe this time would be the charm.

The studly valet opened her door and almost dripped drool before wrenching his eyes from her decollete.

“Evening, Ms. Starr. I’ll take care of her for you.”

“Thanks, Beau, is J.C. inside?”

“Umm, not sure,” the valet lied.

Squaring her shoulders, ready for a fight, Sammy flounced in to the bar, high-beams flashing. He was there, at a table, drinking with his musician buddies.

Ignoring him, she detoured to the bar and ordered her usual, a Budweiser.

“Cuervo shooter?” Brandy, the bartender, asked, raising her eyebrows toward the table of men in the corner. Sammy hesitated for a fraction of a second. She didn’t want to get snockered tonight, and tequila tended to do that to her.

“Ohh. Why not.” She needed liquid courage. After all, she wasn’t exactly Laura Croft. Though, she did have her moments. She hoped tonight would be one of them.

Downing the shot and sucking on the sliver of lime, Sammy shuddered. Then she turned the frosted mug up and gulped half of its contents. And belched.

“So ladylike,” Brandy giggled.

At that, Sammy wrinkled her nose and chugged the rest. Slamming the mug on the bar beside her purse, she winked at Brandy and stalked over to J.C.’s table.

“Hello, boys, J.C.” Fists planted on come-hither hips, Sammy pinned J.C. with her eyes. “Got a minute? We have some unfinished business.”

Not intimidated, J.C. shrugged.

“No, I think we pretty much finished. Me and you? We are through.”

“We’re not through till I say so,” Sammy hissed. “Get up asshole and fight.”

J.C. chuckled. The rest of the table was silent. They’d all seen Sammy in action and weren’t about to get in the middle. One had even been the recipient of a well-placed jab in the not too far distant past. They were all staying out of it.

“Get up from this table, now!”

“Or what, princess?” J.C. scowled. Looking at the other guys, he snickered. “Did you know that Sammy was once Chicken Queen of the South?”

“That does it!” Quick as lightning, Sammy reached under the table and flipped it. Drinks flew and the musicians scattered. All but J.C., who was drenched and mad as a banty rooster.

“You cunt!” he growled, wiping the front of his shirt, murder in his eyes.

“That’s more like it, punk,” Sammy purred. Taking advantage of his rage, Sammy struck, stamping a stilettoed heel in to his sneakered instep.

J.C. roared. Grabbing her by the pony tail, he yanked her around so they were nose-to-nose. He wanted to deck her, but he couldn’t. He knew he'd had it coming.

“It’s over bitch,” he ground out through clinched teeth. “Over. Done. Fini. No more. Why can't you get that through your head?” Shoving her away to keep from hurting her, he turned to right the table and gain his composure.

Sammy was on him like a banshee on crack. She locked her legs around his, toppling them over on the sticky, liquor-drenched floor. A glass exploded as they landed, with Sammy on top, peppering J.C. with her deadly jabs.

“Stop it, Sammy. Stop!” He commanded. “Stop. It. Now.” Wrapping his arms around her, J.C. pinned her flailing arms to her side. She was still on top of him, her body molded to his, that clingy top molded to hers. God, she was sexy and she still turned him on, even when she was hopped up crazy.

“Why, why, why?” Sammy wailed against his chest, the anger oozing out of her as she sobbed.

J.C. wanted to stay mad at her. It would make everything so much easier. But he couldn’t. His guilt and her tears undid him. And he knew the make-up sex would be worth it.

“Come on princess, let’s go home. We’ve given these boys enough of a show for one night.”

Ashamed, and somewhat mollified, Sammy complied. After all, her intent was to get him home again. And on that, she had won.
Yeehaaa! Olivia Herrell


Roland D. Yeomans said...

Excellent -- except for "on him like white on rice." An agent would mutter cliche at that and you might lose her or him. "On him like a cop on a doughnut." Something that will make your reader smile. Just a thought. Otherwise, you sucked us in, held us, and twisted our expectations at the end. Good job, Roland

Ivy Bliss said...

AMAZING! Love it!

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

Roland, great advice, I'll revisit that. I know we're writing totally different genres, but when I read your work I want to cry. I'm honored that you stop by to read what, to me, seems so feeble compared to the majesty of your worlds. As a fledgling, I aspire to the depth of your characters and imagery and the feelings you evoke. Thank you!

Ivy, thank you, I'm glad you approve! :)

Amalia Dillin said...

There was a lot of action in this scene! She seems like a very interesting character.

Tara said...

Great action going on. You know what they say about a woman scorned...

Eric W. Trant said...

OOO! Crazy chick. I used to date this girl.

Marylin Monroe said: If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

That wasn't Marylin, was it?

The "white on rice" chunked me, too, and Roland's right that it'd get nixed.

I like the term "snockered" though. That one made me smile. You should keep that part.

POV shifts around a bit. Romance novels do that. Personally, I don't care, but some folks get bent if they don't see a clean break before you jump heads. You did that part well -- just make sure you INTENTIONALLY switch POV, and then stay in that character's head for a period of time.

See my Bad Girl IRIS for what NOT to do (one of my earliest works).

Overall, a good read with punchy action and witty banter. Fun.

- Eric

Unknown said...

They're not through until Sammy says they're through. Although JC doesn't seem like that much of a prize to me. I hope Sammy gets some self-respect at some point. She can probably do better.
Great Bad Girl! Thanks for participating!

Elizabeth Mueller said...

Great going! I'm glad you entered the blogfest! Hi Olivia!! The evil little gremlin on my shoulder was so hoping for Sammy to hurt J.C. and not give up. Am I a bad girl or what? :D Great story! :)

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

Bwaahaahaaa! You guys have given me some great ideas, thanks!

Amalia (great name!) and Tara (yours too!), thanks for stopping by, I'm so glad you like Sammy and enjoyed the action. Thank you for telling me so. I'll be by your houses later tonight!

Eric, that was you?? :) Yes, it was Marilyn dahling. I'll be checking out ALL your bad girls and will pay particular attention to Iris.

Andrew, hey there!! You hit the nail on the head about both J.C. and Sammy. And yes, she will, and can. She's got a few serious issues to work through first. I'll finish your BG's in a bit, too. Thanks for hosting!

Elizabeth, thank you! Hi! I like your evil gremlin, she gave me a new twist. I hadn't thought of making J.C. suffer, now I HAVE! haha!

Be by to see all your BG's soon, if I haven't already.

Thanks again! Olivia

sarahjayne smythe said...

Great action here. I really liked this a lot.

EJ Fechenda said...

Is Sammy from New Jersey? I grew up there and she is very familiar. LOL! All jokes aside Sammy is definitely a bad girl and very aggressive. She entered the bar on a mission and succeeded. Great action and the head popping was noticeable, but not distracting. Learning JC's perspective on the situation added some insight into their relationship.

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

SarahJayne, I'm so glad you liked it!

EJ, she could be, but she's actually a little bad ass from Georgia. Thank you for the feedback on the POV changes. Truly. It helps!

That Rebel, Olivia

Murr Brewster said...

Hey, I think I may need to loosen up--but then again, my novel is set in the 1800s. Hmm. Good for you. I had the exACT same reaction as Roland. I was just flying along and then snagged up on "white on rice," for the same reasons. Which is a shame, because before it became a cliche, it was a darn good image. Carry on!

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

Hi y'all, I've edited the cursed phrase, whaddya think? Truth is, I stumbled on that every time I read my MS for edit, but kept missing the flag until you pointed it out. Thanks!

Come on, Murr, jump right in! I'd love to get some snippets from the 1800's! Rice probably wasn't white back then, was it? :)

That Rebel, Olivia

Raquel Byrnes said...

She's rowdier than a sailor on shore leave! Cussing, drinking, fighting, crying...and she still leaves with her man!

What a gal...great scene.

Olivia J. Herrell, writing as O.J. Barré said...

Raquel, glad you stopped by! I feel much more confident about my MC after all the great feedback, thanks!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...